I live like a trust-funder on less than 13k a year and you can too.

this is my pretty sister Elsa being chic on public transport.

I’m currently too broke to leave the house– and I’m having the BEST VACA EVR. Magnum P.I. is streaming on Netflix AND two words: Vinho Verde. Consider all my contacts DELETED (sorry bros, grow some chest hair and I’ll reconsider).

By now, we can all agree that having money is for the homely and sad who can’t get by on their good looks and charm. People who have money or are concerned with the pursuit of it are morally vacant and spiritually dead. Not to mention illiterate and definitely not 10s. I barely work, but I’ve got a great tan, my embroidery could make you cry and I’m currently absorbing the grace of Olga Korbut through osmosis and youtube:

Here’s how to live like like a member of the idle rich: (But with friends, because everyone knows that rich people are boring and vacuous and responsible for luxury brands and their vicious war on subtlety [burn your counterfeit handbags yesterday everyone, you’re embarrassing yourselves])

First of all, stop going out. Bars are boring and no one is hot. When’s the last time the bro/ad of your dreams made eyes at you during some drunk boomer’s sad rendition of  “Some Kind of Wonderful” while you were waiting twenty minutes for a six dollar microbrew? Ok except for that one time which turned out to be a huge mistake, NEVER. Make some friends, have a porch and pick up a $5.49 bottle of Sauv Blanc. No awkward encounters with people you’ve formerly thrown up against a wall in the bar bathroom, BONUS.

bkyd bbq > sweaty bar full of 4s.

Make your own food. All you really need is some Udon noodles and Shoyu and you can trick people into thinking they’re dining with Ina Garten. Making fresh food is easy plus everyone will want to marry you. I made salsa the other day and now I’m like STOP SEXTING ME EVERYONE. Just grab a can of tomatoes, salt, pepper, garlic and onions and pour some Sriracha on it. Get creative. Recipes are for mainstreamers.

the phrase “domestic goddess” is by this point exhausted, but basically.

When your backyard is a paradise, you’re on vacation every day! Who needs Ibiza when you have this:

christ, I'm jealous of myself.

Also, sell your car.  I ride my bike everywhere and I basically get a tax break for having this butt. And that, friends, is true wealth.

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ramen renaissance!

dinner party disaster: averted!

So you say you can’t cook but you have some dinner thing to go to. Maybe it’s a work function (heh, yeah right, who works anymore) or it’s your at your friend’s with a babely roommate. Either way, you need to give yourself some credit and get ready to impress. Cooking= throwing some stuff I didn’t measure into a pot and setting burner on medium and the timer for 30 minutes. Remember, following directions is for mnstrmrs. So, here’s SUPER DANK CRANBERRY CHUTNEY. It’s pretty tart, and can be served room temp or cold and it’s the perfect winter dish.
HERE’S WHAT YOU NEED:
1 Beer (or 4, whatevs)
1 Box of wine
LCD Soundsystem pandora station
1 cup water
brown sugar
white vinegar
1 bag (or whatever) of cranberries (did you know that Ocean Spray is a co-op of cranberry farmers and one of the country’s largest?)
2 apples
Some raisins
Some walnuts
Cinnamon
Allspice
Nutmeg
Ginger
Ok. Open the beer. Put the water into a medium/large saucepan, boil. Cut apples into small chunks. Same with walnuts (like 3/4 cup or so, I like a lot, but whatever you want). Finish the beer. Get another one or start on the wine. Pop cranberries into pot. Same with walnuts, raisins (like a handful) and apples. Now add an extended splash of the vinegar. Not too much, just more than a little. Now add the sugar and stir pretty well (I like about 1/3 cup of sugar; that evens out the bitterness, but if you want it sweet, add like 1/2 or 2/3 cup).
Before you put in the spices, you’re gonna need another glass of wine. Ok, so do about a teaspoon of of cinnamon, a heavy sprinkle of the allspice, half that of the nutmeg, and just a pinch of the ginger. Ok, now stir pretty well. Let it boil, then turn down to low and let it simmer for about 30 minutes.
Down a few more glasses of wine and send some txts about how fucking sick LCD is, and how you kinda feel like “Drunk Girls” is the “Leaves of Grass” of our generation.
When the buzzer rings, check on it and stir. You want most of the water to have evaporated– at this point, there will still be a quite a bit. Simmer for another 10 minutes. Also, what the hell are all these buzz bands on Pandora? Everyone under like 24 sucks. But so does everyone over 32. Shit.
Stir chutney, simmer five more mins. Decide you are going to text that bro who you’re not that into but really wants to bone you just cause like, what else are you doing (besides watching four more episodes of 30 Rock on netflix)?
So when the next five mins is up, turn off the heat and let cool on the stovetop for a while (there will still be some liquid left but that’s ok; it will congeal [yum] in the fridge). Pop into glass container (plastic + hot = cancer) and throw in fridge. Let the chutney chill for at least a day before serving; it’s both more mild and more flavorful after relaxing for a bit. Ok, Junior Boys are pretty good. Look for more Franzia.