As you all know, I am moving to Boston to become my generation’s Diane Chambers. So needless to say, I choked on my Cheerios when I encountered THIS little gem from the fine bros over at GQ. You may not find that as squealable as I if you’ve not spent your summer embroidering & wine-spritzing to the finer points of Ted Danson’s sweater collection & infinite inseam, in which case you should commence straightaway.
Yall. I don’t know if you’re aware that Cheers, 1982-993, is available in its entirety on Netflix. It has sufficiently replaced my social life, and ironically, I’ve pretty much stopped drinking thanks to Norm, who is kind an XL slob because of his unrivaled affinity for the mysterious light brew that flows from Cheers’ taps like wine. Here, an EXCLUSIVE synopsis of season two, episode 7: “Old Flames”. So sit back, pour some Pinot and Poland Spring Sparkling, and start admiring the immaculate fluff of Ted Danson’s mane. THIS IS FUCKING CHEERS.
Ok so backstory: Sam and Diane are dating and also pour and serve beers at a Boston bar. SPOILER ALERT : They eventually break up! And then Kirstie Alley somehow gets a job at the bar? But will it be today?! In this installment, originally airing in 1983, Sam’s old friend Dave wants his womanizing bestie back to troll for trollops, and vows to break up Sam and Diane. Let’s begin!
The theme song! Making your way in the world today really DOES take everything you’ve got! Also kind of feel like this show is hilariously 80s in it’s lack of diversity. You “wanna be where people are all the same”? The crowd at Cheers might as well be a Mitt Romney rally. At least Ted Danson seems to have a perpetual tan. UM ALSO, are they promoting alcoholism via “taking a break from all your worries”?
Carla seems to not accept Sam and Diane’s relationship. Is she IN LOVE WITH SAM? OR DIANE?!
Diane was a student when the show started. How is she paying on her loans and buying new silk blouses while working at a bar? Is she teaching her way through grad school? Also love how Diane made TV/America a safe space for snobby, loud mouth broads who get off on believing they’re smarter than everyone else but just want to get railed by a babe who’s intellectually inferior. In an episode in season one, she’s protesting a sexist barmaid pageant and declares that she’d like to be “the voice of her generation.” I was like I’VE SEEN THE ENEMY AND SHE IS ME. JK JK LUH YU GRL
SAMS BEST FRIEND, Dave the sportscaster, IS TRYING TO BREAK UP SAM AND DIANE!
LOL Sam is feigning amnesia about like banging other chicks to win Diane back. That’s romantic. Yesterday some dude texted me a photo of weed. #ROMANCE.
Ok, also, Cliff and Norm are sort of pathetic.
So Sam and Diane are fighting over Sam’s “little black book” and Sam calls the art that Diane likes “paint splatters.” LOL these guys are s00 incompatible, I don’t think they’ll last. Also kind of weird to think of a time when your boyfriend wasn’t texting a bunch of dumb sloos behind your back and had to call them from a rotary phone instead.
Diane just said “I hate you with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.” Filed away.
OH GOD SAM JUST LEFT THE BAR WITH A PROSTITUTE MASQUERADING AS A STEWARDESS FROM CHICAGO.
Now Diane is like “I want to apologize to Sam!” THE IRONY
Oh god Sam told Diane that he took that chick home. Bad move bro.
Ok they kiss and make up, and then somehow they pick up a couple golf clubs, ostensibly with the intent to beat each other with them. End scene. Like I said: ROMANCE.
Netflix says the next episode is about Coach becoming a “tyrant” when he starts managing a little league team. I just realized that this show is kind of about nothing, but in an overall less successful way than Seinfeld. ARE YOU GETTING THIS, NYT ARTS AND LEISURE?