A helpful pocket guide to decoding the universe.
Accountability: [not found]
Alt: [related: Millenial] The only sexy specimen that remains in contemporary America. Reads the entire internet on a weekly basis, hoovers up every substance placed in front of him/her, has slept with most people s/he knows. Identifiable by overdraft notices unless otherwise supported [see Trust Fund]. Defers American reality of death by swivel chair for the pursuit of transcendence via excavation of unique accessories and the affection of babely strangers.
Anxiety: An inherent human reaction to the exterior world that pharmaceutical companies have made billions of dollars claiming to remedy.
Boomer: the sworn enemy of the Millenial. Invented the SUV, sub-divisions, Prozac, the war on Terror, Regan and every other blight on contemporary humanity. Likes to pretend that the Millenial is “lazy” while we’ll spend our time on the planet earth atoning for their 1980s coke party.
Chambers, Diane: Waitress at Boston bar Cheers, 1982-1986. Known for button nose, silk blouses, irrepressible opinions and sleeping with her tall + babely boss.
Cars, The: Godfathers of modern synth-pop, who to play if you want me to make out with you in your basement.
Cultural Construct: concept/phrase loosely based in postmodern theory; quickest short-cut to convincing a stranger at a bar/party that you know what you’re talking about. Useful for intimidating 4s/ getting 9s to make out with you.
DTF: If you don’t know, I can’t tell you. If you do know, call me and I’ll give you an application.
Entitlement: [see Millenial] imaginary attribute that that aging Boomers who haven’t gotten fucked in 15 years will assign to young hots just because they’re spending their nonexistent “retirement” on microbrews in pursuit of getting pushed up against the bathroom wall.
Eleanor Friedberger: Spiritual daughter of Patti Smith & Bruce Springsteen, carrier of the Midatlantic torch of poets who sing, write songs and are babes to an enviable extent.
Grad School: refuge for Millenials who don’t want to make your coffee and believe they should be paid for their ability to think critically because they are actually smarter than the Boomers they serve.
Millenial: American born during the 1980s who has a college education, greater capacity for critical thought than your elected official, but is forced [see: Boomer] to use it in the pursuit of remembering who sang “what if god was one of us”, making your latte for 13k/year and probably expire a casualty of advanced gingivitis at age 46.
Morrison, Van: Prototypical cranky beautiful genius who intuited & recorded the secrets of the human experience. Put on the LP if you want to have 5 of my babies.
Politics: Occupation of college freshman and the otherwise sexually repressed, and others who fail to realize that the system exists to screw you as an individual human being as effectively as it possibly can.
Sincerity: A relic of an earlier age in which human beings were able to express something called “emotion,” which died with the invention of the internet & 9/11. Noun, usage: “get your sincerity off my internet.” [ATTN: ANYONE I MIGHT BE IN LOVE WITH: pffffffffffft jk, let’s get sincere & throw on some Van.]
Stefani, Gwen: The Last Pop Star who was both talented and Objectively Beautiful. Unable to be detached from the psyches of American females and males born from 1983-1987.
Trust Fund: An inexhaustible source of material comfort that enables a small but endlessly prevalent group of Millenials to make art and score book deals. Subject of great hand-wringing over those without abusive, absent but monied fathers who have to serve coffee or attend grad school to pay the rent and pretend they might one day be insured.